SUMMER OF 2024: changes
This summer was definitely one to reflect on. My previous summer’s have looked extremely different for many reasons. I typically have a tough time dealing with change in general and this summer was full of them. I was learning to adapt with selling our house which was the house that we have lived in the longest non the less, the youngest sibling graduating high school and entering the collegiate chapter of his life, and preparing myself to go to school in a foreign country for 4 months leaving my friends and family as they go back to school back in Wilmington and Wisconsin.
Last year was really hard. I faced challenges that were mentally and even physically draining. Struggling with severe anxiety and depression it had just felt like the world was consistently crashing down on me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. From being extremely sick for months, multiple emergency room visits, a car accident, and a really hard breakup I just did not know if I could do it anymore. I begged my parents to drop out of school and come back to Raleigh for a year. I thought that maybe I could just work and clear my head. Going back to Raleigh was the farthest decision I would ever make if you knew me, so you can imagine how painful my mind was working against me. I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder when I was 19 years old. I constantly have felt at war with myself for years. It is something you would never know unless I told you because I refuse for it to be known as a character trait or a piece of my personality. It is a part of me but it will never make me. We have had it under control even though it is something that I will battle for years to come. For the first time in years I felt like my mind was winning. That this was the end of me. I was so embarrassed that I preach mental health and I have a semi colon tattoo but I was ready to go. I went back to therapy and my family fueled me with the last bit of hope I had left. A tiny shred that kept me going. Knowing they needed me. Knowing I needed to watch my niece grow up to reach 3 years old. I needed to see my older brother marry the love of his life. I needed to watch my youngest brother graduate high school. I needed to visit my parents new house in Wisconsin. I was reminded that I could not do those things if I wasn’t here. I could not fulfill my biggest dream to be a filmmaker and travel the world.
I was used to a summer filled with partying with my friends, 4th of July boat trips, spending a Wilmington summer with my boyfriend, swim lessons with grill nights after, sleepovers, and Wilmington birthdays, going to the bar on a Tuesday nights, and having my own house.
That wasn’t happening this summer. For the first time in a long time I was moving back home. Back in my old room that was very empty. I had three months to prepare for Italy all while watching my parents renovate our home to sell, and help Zach go shopping for his college needs. I had been waiting years to turn 21 but for the first time it did not really matter. We hear the most cliche statement all the time after a breakup or a sad episode. “Maybe you just need to work on yourself for awhile.” Like okay??? What does that even mean? For me that meant watch reruns of The OC and wake up at noon. Most of my friends were studying abroad for the summer or very spread out to see their families.
Something had clicked inside of me. I am not quite sure what it was but something had told me that maybe this summer would not be so bad. A Wake Forest summer? Absolutely the last thing 2023 Ciera would have despised. It was different this summer. I reached a place where it was time to start over or be stuck in this black hole that I felt like was my new life. I dove into swim lessons and kept myself so busy out in sunlight that to be honest I did not even have time to be sad. I decided to take my mom up on all her almond mom tendencies and started to look out for what I was putting into my body. I was consistently motivated by one of my good friends who was also spending her time in Raleigh for the summer. She lifted me up with her heart and dedicated part of herself to supporting me knowing it was exactly what I needed. Whether it was our Thursday morning pilates routine or a 3 am extreme rant she was there. I do not take these things for granted. The hugs from my mom or my dad looking at me and saying for the first time in a very long time; “You look so happy pal.” I knew that things were turning around.
I have spent this summer for me. Everything I have done is to stand in the mirror and not hate the person looking back at me. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done. It really underestimated the sentence; “You should just work on yourself.” I may not be exactly where I want to be but I look forward to tomorrow. Sunlight beams just a bit brighter now. Laughter fills the rooms I am apart of . Food tastes better. Guilt and shame can be suppressed by excitement and perseverance. I took back the control I lost and boy do I not want to lose it again.
If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts please know that you are needed in this world. The world shines brighter with you in it. You may seem alone in your mind but please know that I see and hear you. You are not alone and I am so proud of you. Please call 1-800-273-TALK for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline for 24 hour assistance.
