suicide prevention month: lets talk

Suicide is something that I feel like everyone either skirts around in a conversation or has opinions about. I have heard many say “how selfish of them” or “that is the easy way out” without ever even coming to close to feeling the depths of darkness those people who lost their lives felt they had to come too, to reach a point where the world was too impossible to even stand on anymore. Where you are surrounded by feelings of guilt, shame, loneliness, anger, hatred, and despair where it consumes you. When getting out of bed in the morning seems like the fight of your life and you are losing every battle.

When nothing just seems to matter anymore. Nothing is exciting and when everyone is laughing you force yourself to smile. When you meet new people and put on the performance of your life. When you drive around for hours and hours in your neighborhood trying not to crash your car. When you start thinking of the letters to write to your family and how they would end up moving on.

It is not being selfish. It is feeling like there is no way out and there is not an audience to watch the performance anymore.

I had always been a very extroverted child and I absolutely loved to be on stage or be the center of attention. When you are a kid you can do all those things without fear of being embarrassed or think about who is watching. I was always getting in trouble for socializing in class and I had a tendency to talk too loud. My family moved around a lot and I was the new kid in school pretty frequently. To make friends I had to put myself out there and most of the time I was around kids who had known each other since Kindergarten. Being extroverted was a tool I knew I had to use if I wanted to survive school.

I started battling depression and anxiety in high school. I had started suffering from these feelings of replaying every single conversation over again in my head because I was so anxious that I came off weird. I started to be so critical of myself that if I did not portray myself a certain way then I felt like I was going to have a stroke. I began to suffer from deep episode of despair. These feelings of there was no way I would be able to continue on. These episodes though would last a few days and then suddenly I would feel fine. And then I wouldn’t again. When I was anxious it hurt to breathe and I would begin to not be able to feel my legs. I was battling my mind so badly at 15 that I started to not even know who I was anymore. I had told my family as they knew something was going on and I went to the psychiatrist where I was put on antidepressants.

Things had gotten exponentially worse. I was suffering from severe suicidal thoughts and when it was addressed the doctors said “it just needs time to work, it gets worse before it gets betters do not worry.” …..what?? You are going to give medicine to a depressed child that makes it worse and they need to just….wait? Well we did not stand for that. After multiple medications and therapies when it felt like we had tried everything I just battled these intense symptoms with the support of my family and friends.

There were days where I knew that I could not carry on. Where I did not even know who I was anymore. True misery. Posting on social media displaying my life when it was nowhere near how I was feeling on the inside everyday. Some days were better than others. But when it was bad, it was bad.

Then college came around. I started my freshman year and things had suddenly were looking so different. My life had changed. I met all new people and were experiencing things I had never experienced before in a brand new place. It felt so amazing like I was on this high that was never going to come down. And then, it came down. The episodes were happening again and then when it was time to move back home for the summer I was panicking. I did not understand because I had the most amazing semester and I STILL were having these episodes. I went and spoke to my mom about it and she told me she would get me in to a psychiatrist that she knew and trusted. I was instantly skeptical because medication had not been something I believed in due to my prior experiences of feeling like a robot or suffering from severe suicidal thoughts.

I went to see this new psychiatrist and it took her about 20 minutes to diagnose me with Bipolar disorder. I told her there was no way and that could not be true. We then sat down and it was explained to me all of the feelings that I had been feeling for years made sense and I never knew how to explain them. With the stigma around Bipolar I refused to tell anyone. I literally did not even know how to talk to my parents about it. I did not want anyone to think of me differently because of the predispositions people have of the illness already. I was so ashamed. But why? This was my brain and I could not control it. I just could not fathom that I would have to be on medication every single day to stay stable. When a treatment plan was set in place and I was told what I was experiencing made sense now, I felt the biggest relief knowing that I knew I was not crazy and that there was a reason for everything I had been through. My brain just needs a little extra boost. This has been a journey.

The medication has made a massive difference in my life but my life does look a little different now. I have to keep track of what I am feeling daily as well as what I put into my body as some foods help and others don’t. I heavily rely on my support system as they are nothing short of greatness and soulful. God has seen me and loved me at my best and has carried me in his arms through my worst. The lows are very low. The emotions can be powerful and my mind can be explosive. Being 21 years old you are fighting everyday regardless as we seek out the people we want to be today, tomorrow, and in 10 years. Eager to fulfill our dreams whether that be a new job or starting a family. Everyday is still a battle to get out of bed in the morning but I now know that there is a reason I am still here. I reflect on the things I would have missed. I would have missed my younger brothers high school graduation. My sister giving birth to her beautiful baby girl. My older brother marrying the girl of his dreams. My dad fulfilling his dream of making it to nationals. My mom picking out my dress with me for Miss North Carolina. Moving to Europe. Celebrating very important birthdays. Trips around the world. And cherishing some of the most crucial moments with my family and friends that I will hold close to my heart.

If you are suffering, please know that I see and hear you in more ways that you will even know. I know that this battle feels like you will absolutely never win the war. The war being you against your own mind. Asking and begging for it to be over. You can do this. You are a warrior and I am so proud of you. The world needs you because without you the sun gets dimmer and the stars do not shine at bright. There is so much love out there waiting for you to receive, so much energy that is waiting for you, and so many memories that cannot exist without your presences. It is okay to not be okay. It is okay to feel. It is okay to ask for help.

Mental health advocation goes beyond just one month out of the year. It is something to be discussed every single day. Let others know how much you love and appreciate them. You might not have any idea how much they needed to hear it.

Thank you for listening, I am always here to listen.